The Ego Trap

This post was inspired by an article I read today about the magnetism of negative emotions. Think about it. Feeling sad, feeling down, can - and frequently does - suck us in. We lose ourselves in it. We wallow in self-pity. I have done it. Many, many times. I still do it sometimes.

It goes like this: something does not go the way I want it. Someone hurts me. Something bad happens to me at work. Someone does not behave the way I wanted them to (how DARE they???) and I am overcome by this great wave of negativity. I lose motivation. I don't want to do anything, I don't want to see anyone or talk to anyone. Nothing interests me, I lose my appetite, I don't WANT to be distracted or comforted.

And it doesn't even have to be that extreme. Sometimes it's just a simple annoyance. I am angry or upset about something. When I am like this, I don't WANT anyone to point out the silver lining, or to comfort me. If they try, I get angry at them. I snap at them. I push them away.

Why? Do I really WANT to be miserable? No. At least not consciously. But there is something magnetic, almost addictive about wallowing on our own misery. It is one of those moments when everything is all about US.

*I* have been mistreated. *I* have been hurt. Things are going badly for *me*. We feel - I feel - as if the world is revolving around me. Why is all this happening to me? I did nothing to deserve this! It's not fair! The world is conspiring to make things hard for me, to screw everything up, to make me sad and miserable.

It almost seems to speak to two of our fundamental impulses: to see ourselves as powerless and not responsible, and to see the world as all about us.

This is what I mean by "ego trap", and I fall into it more often than I would like - and more often than I'd like to admit. Usually I only realize it in hindsight. I think about a conversation I have had with a friend, and I become aware that I did not really listen to what they were saying, because I was so busy making it about me. Someone offers constructive criticism, and I take it personally. My flight gets cancelled, and I react as if it's a personal insult.  

Why are you doing this to me? What have I done to deserve this? Why are you treating me like this? All of these questions are expressions of that ego trap. We assume that what others do and say is because of us, not because of something that is going on in their lives (because, of course, what could be going on in *their* life that is more important than me?).

I don't think I am the most egoistical person around. I try to be considerate. I try to fair. I try to be respectful of others and their feelings. I try to see the good in people (I don't always succeed, but I try! ). I try to be honest without being brutal. I try my best to do all these things, and yet I find myself in the ego trap quite frequently. I imagine I am not the only one who experiences this. I, for my part, feel ashamed whenever I realize I've done it again (is that just another disguise of the ego trap - making it about ourselves again, as if *I* had failed some grand test?), but I am far from immune to it.

Going back to the magnetism of negative emotions, I think these two things are closely related. When we suffer, we can indulge the ego trap. We can expect others to try and comfort us and help us and fix things for us, while simultaneously pushing them away when they try, shutting them out when they want to help us, and blaming them for not doing enough, for falling short of what we expected them to do. How can they *not* drop everything and come to our rescue? How can they assume that what they say or do can actually make things better? Don't they KNOW how miserable we are, and how awful everything is?

This does not mean that we should not feel negative emotions, or that there aren't reasons why we feel them. Life IS unfair, and it sucks sometimes. And negative emotions are a vital part of life, and dealing with life. They need to be felt and acknowledged. But what we -  what I - need to learn is not to let them take control, no matter how tempting it may seem at any given moment.